Thursday, October 30, 2008

100 for the Story!

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue
of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, You
can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but
within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they
were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked
behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were
running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the end of
the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were
all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah,
you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got bronze statues of a Muslim
Fundamentalist Cleric, some assorted immigrants, a poof, a Manchester United supporter,
and anything French!'

Thursday, October 23, 2008

A test for brotherhood

A man was tired of being pushed around and decided to join the MEX, a group of heartless and feared men in his neighborhood blamed for crimes from stealing, rape to even murder. The police was even afraid of the group.

A large heavily tattooed MEX, their leader, looked at him as he got near the group.
"This place is closed! Turn back or you will never find light again!"
"I dont care! I want to be a MEX!", he shouted back. The MEX leader was surprised at the remark of the man. He just grinned and approached the man casually.

"Very well.. there are three tests for us to accept you into our brotherhood. First, you have to drink five cases of beer, second, you have to fight and punish me till I turn blue, and third, you have to rape a nun. These you will do in one day. If you fail to any of the tests, I will break your bones and slash your throat!"

"I accept!" said the man without hesitation. He went away and when he returned he was pulling a carriage filled with 5 cases of beer showing these all to the MEX before he started to drink each bottle until he consumed the last bottle. As the last drop of alcohol filled his mouth, without warning, he attacked the leader of the MEX who was caught by surprise. The MEXs couldnt believe at what they saw when their leader laid almost lifeless on the ground when the man finished with him. The man then looked at all the still disbelieved MEXs and asked them a question.

"Sho where ish the nun thatt I willl ffight and turn blue?!"

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Austrian Poo

Few years back in our last year at school, me and two of my best mates were looking after a bunch of younger kids on a school trip. We were acting as a go-between from kids to teachers (look after kids whilst teachers gettin pissed at the school's expense)

Well, our room had the biggest pile of manure right outside the window, which stank like hell so we always had to have the window closed.

Anyway, must have been all the dodgy continental meats, but one day I went for a poo in our toilet. Hour later and several magazine articles later, I emerge to furious shouting from my roommates over the disgusting, foul as the stench of hell smell. You could even smell it from the other side of the outside corridor with our room door closed. In the end we had to open the window to let in "fresh" air...